I must take a step back:
A while ago, we got many similar emails from different people who share similar problems in their BDSM relationship. It got to be so bad that we became convince that "Good Common Sense" had simply disappeared and we even contemplated to NOT answered emails at all so we would not become upset anymore…….
Thank God, this wave of bad emails stopped by itself.
Since a few months, this wave has, sadly, started again. Instead for us to have to write long answers to these emails, this article has been written for this purpose.
What is a successful BDSM relationship?
The answer is so simple, that should be the end of it:
A successful BDSM relationship is based on a mutual need, trust, respect, constant negotiation and lots of good sense..
Why is this not that simple? Let's look at this:
The BDSM relationship is a symbiosis.
(From the Merriam Webster: the relationship between two different kinds of living things that live together and depend on each other).
A Dominant person can satisfy the needs of a submissive person by using "Domination" on that person, the same way, that the submissive person will satisfy the need of the Dominant person by submitting to that person. But the human race being…..human, the perfect association does not exists. The partners must use some tools to communicate like…..
(according to Wikipedia: Negotiation is a dialogue between two or more people or parties intended to reach a mutually beneficial outcome, resolve points of difference, to gain advantage for an individual or collective)
It is impossible to completely understand the other in a relationship, thus, tools like negotiation are needed. To be successful, the negotiation must be done as equal. Yes, in a BDSM relationship which is a relationship based on exchanged of power, the Dominant person is the one who have last words on everything, but in this relationship, to succeed, the negotiation and the relationship must be based on….
(According to the Merriam Webster: respect: to feel admiration for (someone or something) : to regard (someone or something) as being worthy of admiration because of good qualities. )
Let's be clear here; a Dominant person without a submissive person, Dominate…..air!!!!!This is why the submission of a submissive towards a Dominant person is so valuable.
And yes! In a negotiation, the opinions of a submissive person are as important as the ones from the Dominant person. For the Dominant person, to RESPECT these opinions is important because if the submissive feels that the opinions shared are respected, this permit to build the…….
(According to the Merriam Webster dictionary: Trust; belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc.)
Trust is the foundation of any relationship, including a BDSM one. Yet, trust in a BDSM relationship is very fragile et must be re-enforced continually. Trust will exist between partners as long as respect, negotiation and fulfilling mutual needs are satisfied. If any of these compliment of trust is neglected, the trust will crumble like a card castle.
A BDSM relationship is a living entity, but the relationship call for the Dominant to always push the submissive limits, which will create tension in the relationship. Add to this the fact that people are always changing, learning, going through their own evolution, changing the way they are, their opinions. There are only one immovable rule in a BDSM relationship; it is that rules change all the time, continuous negotiation is the tool and the key for success, this will create respect witch, itself, will create trust.
The BDSM relationship is a fragile castle made of playing cards build on a shaky table outside while there is a wind storm. Success seems impossible and yet, many succeed in this relationship!
The key for success…….effort made by the partners together. All must work on it, Dominant alike submissive. This symbiosis or synergy depend on it!
According to the Merriam Webster: Symbiosis: the relationship between two different kinds of living things that live together and depend on each other.
In our case; the success of the BDSM relationship.
What about common sense?
One day, I will find the courage to write an article about this topic….
But….Meanwhile, I am asking YOU this question; "What is common sense for you within' a BDSM relationship?"
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