Early in my life I discovered my interest
Here are two memories:
1) It was the beginning of October. I went into the basement where plants
and garden tools are stored. The smell and the humidity heightened my
excitement. I striped to the waist, taking a sickle and I slowly brought
it close to my body. Placing the edge on my skin, the coldness of metal
on the softness of my skin gave me a strong sensation of arousal.
2) At the same age, on a Friday night, bath night. I go into the bathroom
and close the door. Nobody will disturb me, turning on the water on
(only hot water) and I fill the bath. My scenario starts: I'm held prisoner.
I've been condemned to public humiliation and torture, like the Christians
of the ancient Rome when they were thrown into the arena. My body is
shaking with fear. I am commanded to undress. I take off my shirt and
my pants. Not yet enought for them. They have me remove my briefs. Naked
and powerless, I'm forced to face the crowd. They tie my hands and make
me kneel. My punishment is to be thrown into boiling water. Begging
my tormentors for mercy but they are pitiless. Laughing at my sufferings
they pull my legs appart and hold me under the faucet so that the hot
water run on my genitals.
During my childhood, I have relived
this scene with many variations. Then as a teenager I was interested
in other erotic activities and put this aside and forgot about it. During
most of my adult life, I didn't relate these child fantasies with sadomasochism.
Seven years ago, my interest for
BDSM was revived through massage therapy, this time as a dominant. I
studied massagetherapy twenty years ago and made it my trade. One must
underline that there is an important dom/sub constituent in the relationship
between a massage therapist and his patient, involving confidence and
intimacy. Anybody who goes for a massage feels this delightful need
and excitment to abandon him(her)self naked under some one else's hands,
for the physical contact from another human being. People who often
receive massages prefer a strong and deep massage, with energy and intensity,
similar to an embrace, rather than a soft and pretty massage that they
find unsatisfying. As for the massage therapist, he is given the mandate
and the power to aswer this need, to act on the other's body. Sensuality
and eroticism are always present at a certain level in massage therapy
but there are also limits to respect that can vary significantly from
one person to another.
So, seven years ago, I had this client,
P., a 45 year old woman, who would come every week to receive a massage.
She brought me back to BDSM in such a gentle way! I'm thankful to her
and keep a pleasant recollection of her passage in my life! One day,
she brought a blindfold, the kind you use to travel in airplane. It
helps me to relax, she said and asked me to put it on her eyes at the
beginning of the massage. Then, under the pretext of muscular tensions,
she asked me to use stronger and stronger pressure on the points on
her back, buttocks and thighs. While I was proceeding, she would moan
in such a manner that would secretely excite me very much. She would
also make sudden movements with her arms and legs that would occasionnaly
hit me. Then she said as a joke: You should tie me ! I laughed at it.
Nevertheless, the following week she brought four leather cuffs and
some lengths of rope and she showed them to me on her arrival. She said
: Now you can tie my wrists and ankles to the massage table and it will
allow you to work without the risk of being punched or kicked. Definitely,
it was a turning point. I looked her straight in the face. She was serious.
I felt confused. But I was so excited that I decided to brush aside
my inhibitions and to go forward on this path of complicity. I asked:
This is no massage, is it ? She answered: No, you're right, but it's
damned exciting !!
Of course, during the next sessions
we practiced other dom/sub games, including scenarios, but always massage
was part of it. We also set up a security code inspired of the three
traffic lights : green, yellow and red (I'll speak about it in a next
paper). P. told me about her limits. The main one was : no body marks.
A rule which is fairly easy to respect in massage therapy.
These games gave me much pleasure
and I offered for P. to visit me as a friend, without paying. She declined
my offer and explained me why: I'm married with a guy I love and with
whom I want to keep on living though he doesn't understand my need for
submission and pain. In visiting you as a friend, I would feel unfaithful
to him and in debt toward you. So I prefer to pay you and feel free
to visit you whenever I have a craving for BDSM. I can rely on you for
my need and I am assured of your discretion. We met regularly for the
next two years. Then P. left Canada to settle in Paris.
(to be continued)