Confidence Of A Submissive

By kia

One night like many others, a little girl was watching television laying in her parent's bed. An old black and white movie was playing. Suddenly, something get her attention; on the tube, a slave was being punished! The slave was on all fours, receiving the whip. It is at this moment that little girl felt something that she could not identify and would discover and appreciate it later; her
first orgasm! Yes, this little girl of only four years old, was
already living these feelings without knowing how or why. She was trying to imagine what it would feel to be in this slave's place, trying to understand what he was feeling every time he was struck. Many times after this experience, she would question herself, trying to experiment by watching movies, where she would imagine being in the actors place or through her games, asking her sister to spank her or questioning herself about the reason why she like these things so much while everybody else seemed to hate it!

Without knowing there was other people like her or that there was a philosophy about this, this child was entering in the BDSM universe. This little girl was me!

If I am telling you this story it is to help you understand where I am from and where my BDSM needs comes from. Like you would suspect, the little girl that I was twenty years ago went thought life but she always kept this love and curiosity for submission which is basically the basis of her passion. My own search went a different way; reading, searching, life experiences...lead me to discover that philosophy and made me realise that I was submissive without knowing it!

I am telling you this so I can talk to you about one experience I went through before discovering this lifestyle. I needed to explain to you how I felt from a very young age so you can understand the complexity of all the feelings I am about to explain to you.

I would like to inform you that I am writing this article in the hope that I will free myself from old ghosts from my past. Ghosts that have tormented me and ghosts who created walls in the discovering of my submissiveness. If with this story I help others, I will be very happy but it is not my goal to give you lesson or advice, i just want to share this little piece of my life.

Two years ago, I had to put an end to a very difficult relationship which lasted seven years. My old spouse was a violent man. We didn't practice BDSM together (it was before I learned of this lifestyle), but since nature made me a submissive woman, like I explained before, this is how I went through this.

let me explain myself:

In the beginning of our relationship, my old spouse was a very nice man to me and i didn't know why. I had a tendency to consider him superior to me. With time, he gained my trust and I started to tell him what I was feeling. I would tell him things like: I am your love slave, I belong to you, you can do anything you want with
me...But things turned ugly. He took advantage of the fact of my submissiveness, now I know, to abuse me physically and psychologically. He would make me do all kinds of things that I didn't really like, under the pretense that I was his possession. He never listened to me. I was nothing to him. With time, he almost destroyed me completely! The worst for me was this guilt I had all the time. I was scared that I was crazy because I needed
him to control me but at the same time, I was not comfortable when he did control me. In a way, I wanted him to punish me if I didn't listen but at the same time, when he would beat me I would hate it and hoped that I was the way he wanted me to be, to make him happy. But his rules would always change and it was impossible for me to satisfy him. I wanted him to control me completely but without me losing my personality or who I was and without him making me do things that I didn't like.

He would play with this all the time because, when he would stop without warning, I would have to make all the decisions, He would not help me or tell me what to do. I was not comfortable in this. Something was missing. Then, I would try to talk to him, try to make him understand the amount of control that I needed but then he would tell me that i didn't knew what I wanted and he would be more extreme than before! If I would complain, he would tell me that I wanted to be a submissive so it was my fault! I cannot describe to you the feelings I went through for seven years; the guilt and the regrets, the doubt about myself, the misunderstanding about my
feelings, the fear. I would feel so rotten that I was certain that I was responsible for his violent behavior. I was scared to discover that I could have been one of those sado masochist, yes, in the beginning I was scared!, I didn't wanted to be one of "those" because of what society thinks about those people! I started to go into chatrooms. I started to talk with people who were into the BDSM lifestyle. This is how I discovered that I was a submissive
and I didn't have to be scared or feel bad about what I was. A philosophy, a lifestyle called BDSM existed. I was not crazy! Other people are like me, they like and love the same things that I love and like! I understood too that my spouse was not a good person. Even if I am a submissive, my spouse was abusive and I was not crazy not to like what he was doing! The fault was his, not mine! This is when I decided to leave him. I know very well how
hard it is for a beaten wife to leave her spouse and especially since I always believed that I was his property, it made it twice as hard to do,

but I did it! Now I am with a Master who respects me and helps me to grow. I am thankful to Him for being patient with me and helping me to discover Real Life play when i wanted to try it.

I know, I said no advice, but if you are not comfortable in the situation where you are, if you don't feel safe, if you are scared for your well being if you stay, or worse, you are scared for your life, don't be scared and call a women shelter. They won't judge you and they will know how to help you.

Submissive kia