How To Convince My Spouse To Become BDSM.

By Pierre

One question that is asked more and more is:

"How do I convince my spouse to become a BDSM player?"

The first few times we received that question, it was from submissive men wanting to convince their wives to become their Domme. But lately, we had that question from women wanting their husbands to become BDSM player as Dom or submissive.

The answer we give all of them is the same.

The need for BDSM is personal and cannot be "taught". People within the BDSM lifestyle usually had to evolve toward what they are in BDSM and to learn > about their own needs. Trying to "make" someone who has no BDSM interest whatsoever into a Dom, Top, Bottom, submissive (what have you) is about impossible.


Many men and women have sexual fantasies. It is possible to use these fantasies as an exchange. If your fantasy is to submit, maybe your partner's fantasy is different but you may help him or her to fufill that fantasy

The discussion with your spouse is very important!

If your spouse has no sexual fantasies at all, maybe the solution would be to negociate with them for you, to satisfy that need you may have with somebody else.

Often, during BDSM events, we meet people, men and women, that have a vanilla spouse that cannot satisfy their BDSM needs, but are their life partner with whom they are very much in love. These people go "outside" their relationship to find a partner for their "special" needs and they do this with the acceptance of their spouse. How do they do it? With thier wife, they negociate the limits of what they can do.

Within these limits, anything can be included; when to do it (you may go to your Mistress when the kids are at their grand parents once a month) or it could be sexual limits (anything goes, but no intercourse). Limits are different between couples and the discussion (negociation) is very important.

BDSM is based on a consentual relationship. To force someone to become involved in BDSM is NOT consentual and will create huge tensions within the couple. It is widely known that during a public party, if you approach somebody new to play with, if that person says no, no means no and you must not insist. The same goes for your spouse, if they say no, no means no.

There is always the possibility of having a hidden BDSM relationship with someone and keep it secret from your spouse, but that is something between you and your conscience. But here is some food for thought: You all know that BDSM is based on trust. How will you convince a potential BDSM partner that you can be trust....if you are already lying to your spouse?