i was trying to decide how to start
this article on punishment, and decided to look up the definition in a
dictionary. i wonder how many realize that the word punish is defined
as: " to treat harshly or unfairly" and that punishment is defined
"the act of punishing". For the purpose of this article, punishment
is NOT something done during a 'scene'. It is the result of an infraction
- a breaking of the rules.
Being something of a "brat",
i have had my share of punishments. Time has passed and now strong lectures
have replaced painful punishments for the most part. And perhaps, because
i have moved forward, i look backward at what was, and have some thoughts
i would like to share with Dominants and submissives alike.
- the rules should always be consistent..
what applies today, should apply tomorrow and next week and next year!
- Dominants make sure that Your expectations
are clear and straightforward. Don't have sooooo many rules that neither
You nor Your submissive can remember them all
. (would Y/you believe
there is actually a list of 120+ rules out there on the net??? !!!)
- submissives - never hide anything
from your Dominant. be open, honest and frank about what may be an emotional
trigger for you. Being ignored or given the silent treatment was a definite
trigger for me. Dominants make sure You know what the triggers may be,
and be prepared for some emotional whiplash from unknown triggers
- Dominants never punish in anger
- the infraction should always be
clearly stated. The submissive should not be left to "imagine"
what they have done wrong.
- try and separate the infraction
from the person.. what i mean is.. saying " I dislike such and
such behaviour - but I still like you" is an important step often
omitted from punishments. It serves to keep the self esteem of the submissive
in tact while highlighting the problem.
- make sure the punishment fits the
- once the punishment is over
take some time to talk with Your submissive. make sure they understand
it is over. Help them to see that mistakes are something we all
learn from.. and that once the lesson is learned it is time to move
As with children, submissives feel
safest when there are strict boundaries, a bit like the fence around the
playground. And yes from time to time, we will test those boundaries;
we need to know that You as the Dominant care enough about us to correct