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Well, in the first article is how to find a prospect partner. After you have talked and chatted with this person, now you are both ready for the first Real Life meeting.
What is next?
You just entered in a very intense and important stage in your relationship. It does not mean that this meeting will end up in you and that prospect becoming partners in play. We have met a lot of people in our mutual search before we decided to become play partners with them. To get to the point of meeting that prospect, you have already conversed a lot by email, chat or phone. The meeting is simply to show each other that she or he is the person he or she claims to be. Now the part of a BDSM relationship is call "the negotiation" can begin.
For that first meeting, here are the do and don't...
Where to meet:
Numerous articles have been written about this. Every single article will stress the importance of safety. Yes, that person that you will meet, either a man or a woman, you think you know him or her from your discussions. Well, we know of many persons that had very bad problems from that first meeting. Even Catharine had her bad experience. So in this aspect, safety will direct that meeting. The choice of the place to meet should be a public place where both feel safe and where they are at ease. Unless you are both familiar with the crowd at a BDSM munch, a munch is not a good place to meet for the first time. A play party is really not the place to meet either because of what will go on. Choose a restaurant or a coffee shop. You will be able to have some kind of privacy sitting on a table while you still are among people. If you choose a restaurant, make it not too expensive, but again, avoid greasy spoon places or restaurant chains (too many kids and commotion for a good discussion). A quiet, not too expensive place should do.
When to meet:
Anytime is good, but we suggest a weekend afternoon. Usually on Saturday or Sunday, just after lunch, restaurant are quiet so it makes it ideal to meet. If the discussion lasts and everything goes well, you may end up having supper together to have the chance to meet more.
How to meet:
Often there will be an exchange of pictures, but again, sometimes pictures don't show all the truth. Describe to each other what you will be wearing. You may even get a magazine that you will hold in your hand to make yourself recognizable.
Miscellaneous:
Dress casual, but make sure you are at your best. Men should be shave (if needed), ladies wearing makeup unless otherwise instructed. At first, usually the discussion is always hard to start. Talk about anything, weather, the news or even gossip a bit. After a while, both will feel better and the discussion will naturally switch to a mutual interest, often BDSM itself. Keep your voices down, vanilla people are NOT ready to hear some of the thing we exchange and sometimes there are kids around....
Money and BDSM:
In BDSM like in anything else in real life, there are people that are in the lifestyle for the wrong reasons. If a female Dom ask you for an expensive gift before meeting you, well be careful. For us, in BDSM, trust cannot be bought with money. The only way to get that trust with a partner is through discussion, negotiation and exchange of ideas. If a female Dom wants money "to build that trust" well we have only one suggestion; Decide first if you do have that kind of money, and whether this is the option you want. If it is.. go see a real professional Mistress not a Domme that has tried to trick you. At least you will have your money worth. If you are fortunate enough that money is not a problem for you, well...keep that information for yourself. If you find a good partner, and you finally build that trust between that partner and you, well make it a pleasant surprise that your are wealthy. If you flash your money before you build that trust, you will find a partner but he or she may be with you for the wrong reasons.
Safe call:
A safe call is.....a call that you make to insure that you are safe. Choose someone that you trust; a friend, family member or another BDSM player. When you meet a stranger, while meeting that stranger, from time to time, you make that safe call to tell them that you are ok. If the one who is supposed to receive your call don't hear from you, that person must be instructed to do what need to be done. Leave all the information to the person who will have your that safe call (Name and phone number of the stranger you are meeting, every detail you can get). The goal of the safe call is if that stranger is NOT who he or she is supposed to be, you can be found (rescued) by the information that you left to the safe call person. The call itself could be just something like "Hey! it's me, I'm ok!" to a special word that you MUST used during the conversation. We don't want to become paranoid here but someone could force you to make that phone call. So if you call and you don't used that special word, for the safe call person it mean "HELP!".
When we wrote this article, text messages on cells were not common. Even if this article doesn't address new communication technology, is still up to date. Yes, for a safe call, you may text someone, but use a "special word" to say that you are ok, remember, anyone may use your cell to text.
For men:
Don't pressure the lady. Often she will not be comfortable or even sometimes she will feel scared. Respect her fear. Because of the safety issue, you must find a way to follow the lady's rhythm in the building of the trust, remember female Dommes can be uncomfortable too, don't think just because the woman is a Domme that she does not have to be safety conscience.
First meeting, you must show that you can Dom...but, if you go too fast, you will scare that lady sub. Making her kneel in a crowed restaurant is NOT a good idea! If you want that lady sub to call you Master, well, make it possible for her to do it in a very discreet manner. Remember, that lady you are meeting IS in a very delicate situation. She don't know you and she IS scared. She will probably have to do a safe call, if so, let her do it in private if she needs to. You are the Dom, yes, but for that first meeting or the others if there are any, let her set the rhythm.
This Goddess you are meeting has control. Let her make the rhythm of this meeting. To ask her to play "NOW" is not a good idea. There is a good chance that she will make you wait and desire that scene. Remember that there are tons of male subs, but very few female Domme. This meeting is very important. Show this female Dom that you are serious and not just looking for a quick thrill. A female Domme friend told us that often, men are scared to admit that they are subs. You don't need to have a sign on you saying "Male sub HERE!" but your possible Mistress WILL want to meet you in a public place. If you cannot even do that for your possible Mistress, you are doomed! What will it be when she will send you to that lingerie store to get female panties at your size!!!!!! Show her that you are willing to show her your submissiveness by meeting her in a public place.
For women:
Safety! Safety! Safety! You are a sub or a Dom, the safe call IS A MUST! Meet that possible partner in a place that you know well. Don't go to a place that you have never been. Remember, there are lots of male players, so, this possible partner HAS to follow your need. And ladies, in the same fashion that a bad male player can have to deal with a bad reputation, the same goes for women. If you have a bad reputation, you will find a partner, but it does not mean that you will have a partner of quality. Be serious, and leave the little playful games for the plays after that trust has been established. If that person that you are meeting gives you a feeling that something is not right, it is ok to have more then one appointment to know that person better. Until you feel safe with that person, be very careful and take your time to know him.
For the female submissive:
First and foremost...the safe call!. This male Dom that you are meeting and even yourself are itching to "jump and play" but this is a time where you must keep your head straight and not let your desire to submit take over. Later you will have plenty of time to satisfy this need. Remember, the day that you will permit him to tie you and do these things to you will be too late to discover the "Real Himself". You don't want to become the next morning news. Be safe! If this male Dom starts pressuring you and finds you too slow, then he does not respect your need for safety now. If this is the case, He will NEVER respect it later!
First thing is the safe call! Yes even if you are the Mistress, you need a safe call, because, this stranger that you are meeting is a man and chances are that he can overpower you very easily. Don't assume anything, just be safe. You basically run this meeting. You are the Mistress, so Domme this male sub, this is all he wants but remember that you are in a public place so be discreet.
A word of caution:
In BDSM like in every other thing in Real Life, there are people who try to take advantage of others. It could be a man looking for a quick fuck or a woman trying to gain money by domming unsuspecting male sub. Be careful! We have heard and still hear some horror stories about people meeting the wrong kind of partner. We believe in trust and honesty but many use the lifestyle to take advantage of others in a bad way. We have heard of many horror stories, but please, folks, now we want to hear about the Good stories!
Pierre and Catharine(katy)
The First Play
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For copyright reasons, our original copy of this article can be found at: The First Meeting In Real Life
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