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How To Look Good In Public Play

By Maître Pierre



We've attended quite a fair number of BDSM public parties, and for many years. It seems that even within our ever-changing lifestyle, some things do not change at all. The way people play at public parties seems to be a constant however, through all the years..


At a BDSM party, some people still think that even nowadays, the way to impress BDSM people is by being the most violent player during the play, giving (taking) the most pain, showing the most beautiful toys, the youngest and most beautiful sub, being the loudest and being seen/watched by all. At some parties, I have officiated as a Dungeon Master, that makes things worse for me, since I have to witness all that is happening and cannot simply turn my back at the play that discourages me like I usually do when I see bad scenes.

Lately, I went to a party where a couple was playing while many others were watching. The Dom, seeing that everyone was noticing him, went harder on the sub in his play trying to impress people. What he didn't realize is that when people were describing his play in their whispering, some of the words used where "stupid", "dangerous" and "careless"! It is obvious that this Dom failed miserably in trying to impress everyone... Yet! If that same Dom would have just have continued to do what he was doing, before he noticed that he was being observed, he would probably have succeeded in his goal to impress the crowd.

If one of your goals in public play is to impress the crowd, here is a list of what and what not to do to at a play party while doing an S&M scene in a public setting:

      * Remember that the guests at a BDSM party include are beginners and VERY experienced players. People WILL watch you play and you WILL be judged in the way you play so:
        o RESPECT the no hit zones If you do percussion play (flogging, cropping, and whipping) learn to AIM!
        o Negotiation is a MUST! It shows when a team of players doesn't know each other and plays for the first time together. Yet, many people who play for the first time with an occasional or new partner pull it off perfectly.
        o Be on the lookout for the safe word! (Yes, we have seen a safe word called in a very public setting and ignored by the Dom(me)).
        o Check for good blood circulation (like in the hands of the bound player). This is one of the first signs as a Dungeon Master I look for. A Dominant who ignores circulation on the bound player, is a sign of a "bad" player. Even if you know that your young healthy sub has perfect circulation, check it, it will reassure the Dungeon Master and/or any interested onlooker.
        o It is always a bad sign when the sub shows signs of being pushed too far.... and everybody but the Dom(me) sees it!
        o And for the love of God, have some aftercare after a session and don't just leave the subs by themselves, sometimes crashing down alone!
      * Dungeons are different:
        o Read the rules - if there are any.
        o If there are Dungeon Masters, learn who they are. The worst thing you may do is to tell a person that you are not aware that is the Dungeon Master to get lost, if he or she feels the necessity to get involved.
        o If you don't know how particular equipment works, ask. The people organizing the events will be there to help.
        o If you are unsure about particular rules or if a type of plays is allowed.... ask!
      * Courtesy:
        o We already have an article about courtesy in public party (EtiquetteFor Public Play by laynie). Reading it is cool, but applying what is being explained is much better.
        o Don't use the nearby spanking bench to put all your toys on it for easy handling; someone may want to use the bench while you play.
        o Don't tie your sub on a bondage apparatus.... and then go to the bar to relax.... Stay with your sub!
        o Cleaning the equipment after using them is simply a good hygienic habit and courtesy for the next players. Need cleaning supply...ask!

    The title of this article is "How to look good at a public play". Let's say you really want to impress the crowd at a public party. Here is how to do it. We can tell you how to do it because; we have seen it.... often!

      * Do types of play that you are comfortable with. (Trying that nifty new toy for the first time in a public setting.... bad idea! People will see that you are unfamiliar with the new gizmo. But, if you ask someone with experience to show you the usage of the new toy, often, this is seen as a safe way to learn, i.e. a good safe Dom(me).
      * Unless it was a goal and was negotiated with your sub, don't try to push the limits of your sub if he or she is not completely comfortable with the surrounding, if things don't go well, all will know!
      * A beautiful S&M play is when BOTH players are smiling at the end of the play. Yes, there are situation where there may be tears, moan of pain but when it is all over, if both players are happy and smiling, this is a winner play!

    Appearances are important:

      * BDSM for most people is sexual. Sensuality makes for beautiful plays. Kiss, whisper loving words of encouragement to your sub, caress her (him), and smile at your partner. People watching will see all these little details and will appreciate them and your scene.
      * If liquor is permitted at the club, LEAVE YOUR DRINK OUT OF YOUR PLAY!!!!!! If you or your sub gets thirsty during play, get water or juice, no booze!
      * You like to get stoned? Good for you, it's a free world, but remember that everyone's perception of reality changes when you are stoned and could make you make mistakes in your play…mistakes that all will see, or may cause damage!!!!! Think about it!

    You want to be "extreme" in an already "extreme" group of people, there is only one-way: Be good at what you do. Playing extreme S&M scene is like a high rope walking act. When you pull it off, you are applauded and admired by all.... if you fail; you become the butt of the joke.

    For me, an actual extreme play will be sensual and beautiful. The Dominant will always be in control, showing that he (she) is constantly checking for the well being of the sub. A slight touch to the bound hands of the sub while you caress him or her, sweet loving words to the sub ears from the Dom(me), an intense play where the Dom(me) is totally focus on the sub, looking to create the best safe play are all, a good sign.

    A last bit of advice:

    As a Dungeon Master, I am always close by to witness a beautiful plays.....I am closer when it is not! If the Dungeon Master is very close to you, better ask yourself why!

    Do your part to protect your local community. You like to be the center of attention? Good! Do it and show them all that you are a good and a safe player and people will be talking about you. Failure to show how good and safe you are will have the same result, but you may not like what people are going to be saying when they talk about you.

    Bad S&M scenes is one of the things that give us a bad reputation, good scenes does not give us good reputation but at least, doesn't hurt the community.


    Mistress Catharine and Maître Pierre



    To read laynie's "Etiquette For Public Play"

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