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One would think that this type of article would be unnecessary. Nobody would put themselves in dangerous situations on purpose, from a few exchanges of email or chatting on the net. The sad answer is….YES they do!
BDSM is an activity that requires at least 2 partners to be possible to do. BDSM being a bit taboo and unknown, it can be very exciting (read "arousing") to actually think about BDSM activities thus, sometimes (read "often") taking chances with security.
Risks are real and even if it doesn't mean that there are maniacs to cut you in little piece behind every nicks from people on the net, there are people looking for opportunities to take advantages of naïve new comer (men or women). Oh, if you think that you're a man, these things will not happen to you, statistics are against you!
In the progression of any relationship, their will be a point where more personal information will have to be exchange, but keep this for later….much later!
Here is the premise of this article; you are a new comer in BDSM interested to eventually find a partner (online or real). The BDSM world is a jungle and safety measure has to be made before you decide to go further.
Safety measure:
Some people may want your name to control you. It could be for blackmail or simply to track you down (find where you live). Never use your real name, instead use an "expendable" nick. To be call "thing1234" is perfect because if you discover that you have a problematic person giving you a hard time, you simply close down "thing1234" and open "otherthing5678". Do not use this email address for any other usage because it may leave some clues to find you, and avoid giving an alternate email address to email sites when you open these new accounts. Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo and any other email site are perfect for expendable address. Avoid using an email address from your internet supplier, it makes you easier to find you if there is an "if" situation.
A fringe benefice from having such an email addresses; when you get spam in your email (if your address is out here in some personal ads, you will get spam) you can simply change email if spam get to be so bad.
Discussion groups and chats room:
Use the same approach when you subscribe to any of these. When you participate to any of these groups, you will always leave a trace, remember that. The "expandable" nick is your shield and safety. (you don't believe me? If you have been on the net for a while using your nick, just go on Google search and type in your nick!)
I mentioned earlier that the quest for a partner in BDSM is very exciting and arousing….it is! But for your own safety, you need ALL your head. When you find the right and safe partner, it will be time to give (or take) that control, but for now, keep the control of your part. If, in the process of the quest and during the discussion with a prospect partner, you get to excited and aroused that you cannot think straight; take 10 minutes and take a cold shower, masturbate whatever it is needed for you to start to think with your head and not your dick or pussy!
Yes, BDSM is about the exchanged of power, but remember, if you're a sub and you find yourself tied to a cross, it is too late to discover that you where wrong about that partner! If you're a Dom(me), you think that you are not concerned by this? Wrong; what will you do if that submissive with who you just had a wonderful S&M scene, go to the police and show his(her) marks on their body, claiming that he(she) were rape or worst?
The exchanged of information (learning about each others) should be on equal terms. When ready (after long discussions), if you give your prospect partner more personal information….at the same time they must do the same. Make certain that these are information that you can verified. A while ago, a Dom tried to deceive a female sub …..by giving my name and website to show how trusted he could be….until the submissive lost his email address and tried to contact him using the email from our website to pursue the negotiation. Just think of her confusion when I politely enquired "who the fuck she was?".
At all time, if you are a sub; stay polite and respectful of the "Dom(me)". If you are a Dom(me), remember that the sub with whom you are talking to, is under a lot of pressure. Stay patient and understanding, yet, do your thing.
Have a safe call. Let me make this easy and clear; if you go to a first time meeting, without having someone to call from time to time, you will deserve whatever will happen to you! That is true for women or men. An email from this gentleman who once, went to meet a Domme in a motel room told me what had happened to him. When he got there, the Domme was waiting for him….with two other big men! When, finally, he was found tied on the bed by the upset maid, and when the police got him to his home, he had a very hard time to explain to his wife, why is wallet, clothes and car had disappeared.
The biggest crap:
There is no other way to describe the following:
There are some dangerous beliefs and myths out here. Alas, we have to break some of them:
get referral for any Dom(mme)s you will have a relationship with.
This one is the biggest load of crap. Submissive talk among each other, which is great! They exchanged information about Doms and other BDSM people. But, what is assuring you that the information is real….and not just lies because, maybe that other submissive that gave you that information is under the total control (the bad control) of the said Dom(me)? One day, I will write a full article about referral or the crap of referral, but, let's just say that you are alone on this one and you cannot really trust anyone about referral….
And some food for though, we refuse to give any referral to anyone about anyone. A few times we got into problem for refusing to give any referral, yet, we still refuse to do it!
He had many subs, he must be good!
If he (or she) is that good, how come he (she) had so many sub?....unless you are just looking for an one night adventure.
He (or she) will quit his wife(husband) to be with me. He(she) love me, he(she) told me so!
If you heard something like this, he or she is probably lying to his(her) spouse to be with you. …..and if he(or she) ever quit their spouse to be with you (which I doubt) , you will become the new "spouse" to whom, when tired, he (she) will eventually lied too!
You're a sub, just shut up and obey me!
This one is the easiest. If a Dom(me) refuse to give you any information and just tell you to shut up and obey….and you decide to go and follow his order without thinking; sorry, but you will deserve anything that will happened to you. Please, think and use your judgement.
There is a belief out here where mostly female subs thinks they need an experience male Dominant to have a good partner. To make this simple, this belief leads to many men lying about their real experience (women have no problem tin this because there are so few of them). There is nothing wrong to have a beginner as a Dominant, actually, it is better, because if a Dominant tell you that he is a beginner….he is not lying!!!!!! (We know of couples who grew together in BDSM being both beginners and using BDSM as the basic for a long term relationship (many years)).
The last thing:
Common sense seems to fly out the windows each time I hear about one of the sad stories. Folks, use your guts. If something seems fishy, chances are that there is something wrong! Use your common sense. Dom(me)s, if you respect the safety principle for yourself and for your prospect submissive, you will have eventually a happy submissive on your cross, but respect their fear and give them time. Submissives; In BDSM like in any other things, what shines is not always made of gold….beware!!!!!
Use common sense and your judgement….please, I beg of you!
Maître Pierre
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