Opinion

More Comments On The Article In Flare About Breath Play.

(The second part is mostly reflecting about the generation of young adults.)

By "The Lady From Another Continent"

Some random thoughts brought on by the Flare article:

The first book about sex that I read was in my early teens. At some point the book landed at the bottom of the various piles of books I own. I have read many books since then but I love this book for the following passage that is written:

The difficulty is that our society has in recent years put so much emphasis on sex as a technique that many people have lost sight of its connections with personality and [emotion]…Sex does not take place in a vacuum … [it reflects] our personal lives … the individual essence of ourselves (Love lives, Dunkell, 1982, p. 28).

Paolo Mantegazza wrote:

“Man, not content with the natural pleasure of the sexual embrace, has endeavored to increase it with many and varied artifaces, in which his imagination has outdone itself.”

Dines says:

“Generation Y gets bored—fast… If you’ve been brought up on a steady diet of porn sex, with the hardcore anal, the choking, the spitting,”, “real sex with another human being becomes very boring very quickly (Smith, B, 2013)”

I agree, if you can’t enjoy vanilla, no matter how much kink you add, it will never be satisfactory enough.

Dunkell (1982) wrote:

"The creativity of human beings is ever-present and may often triumph over even the most deep-seated inhibitions. For most of us, in fact, the urge to experiment, to try something new, is constantly at work. In sexual relations this novelty factor also carries with it the possibility of increasing pleasure."

This quality is however twofold and on the downside it could mean that someone will always be looking for the next thing to take him/her higher. So many bloggers these days write about ‘more/better/ explosive etc.’ orgasms. Their need for kink becomes almost addictive – the kink increases the intensity of the orgasm. Important elements such as conditioning, exhaustion, and desensitization play a major role here.

Conditioning:

refers to a process in which behavior is changed by rewarding or punishing that behavior. It has a very specific process: stimulus – behavior/reaction to stimulus – consequence/effects of behavioral response. For example, erotic asphyxia – intense orgasm – need for erotic asphyxia to induce intense orgasm.

Desensitization/exhaustion :

this occurs when the stimulus no longer produces the desired effect. For example a certain kink no longer produces the same intensity of orgasm. This leads to a need for a new stimulus. Like in the case of a submissive who has reached such a high level of pain tolerance, the Dominant will now employ methods other than pain to elicit an intended response.

The question now arises: how far can one go to increase the original stimulus (for example intense pain) before it goes too far. Especially in severe cases, when solo erotic asphyxia becomes fatal.

Now you may be asking yourselves “Where the heck am I going with all this rambling?”

It is said that our sexual lives reflect our personal lives and our personalities. It is also said that our individual characteristics combined with the socio-cultural environments that have shaped us shape our sexual lives.

"In collectivist societies the needs of the whole take precedence over that of the individual. Social aspects such as tradition and culture mold and develop social identity and connectedness. Cultural-specific laws and tenets are respected and social restrictions and taboos are clearly defined" (Dunkell, 1982).

"In individualistic societies the emphasis is on the individual. Personal preference and choice is at the fore and the more complex the macro society is, the more there is to choose from. The more sophisticated the society, the greater the range of personal choice is likely to be, the greater the differences between individuals" (Dunkell, 1982).

In her own summary of Generation Me, Twenge overviews her study by stating that people born in the 1970s, 80s, and 90s show a higher propensity to believe that “the self comes first” than any previous generation (weill.cornell.edu).

This must however not be confused with selfishness. It is instead a case of extended innate positive self-image and self-worth instilled in every facet of socialization especially the media. On the downside of this is the disappointment and disillusionment Gen Me encounters in the real world where a university education is often difficult to achieve, professions have become time specific contractual careers, and most are barely making ends meet (weill.cornell.edu).

Gen Me has shown higher levels of stress, depression, and feelings of being overwhelmed than previous generations. Despite social media and social networking, everyday life has become a rat race in which physically belonging to clubs, community organizations, and such is ever increasingly difficult. Gen Me has more feelings of lack to bring about social change or to take control over their bee-worker lives(weill.cornell.edu). Not everyone can be the queen be even though they have been brought up to believe so.

While Gen Me has many positive personal traits, there are downsides too. Social networking has somewhat replaced physical social interaction. We are social creatures by nature. I won’t even begin to explain the importance of human touch in our well-being. Facebook profiles, tweets, blogs etc. all emphasize high self-esteem, goals and a positive outlook on the future, good social skills, the ability to interact with people from many different backgrounds, strong connections to family and community, and such (http://www.humanillnesses.com/Behavioral-Health-Ob-Sea/Peer-Pressure.html). I ask myself, “does Gen Me have, over and above their overwhelming stresses, the need to be all of the above as well? And how many of Gen Me who work toward this ideal are victims of collective social adult peer pressure?”

Some suggest that adult peer pressure is equal to or slightly more aggressive than adolescent peer pressure. How often do you hear adults say “Com’on you’re no fun! Don’t be a party pooper! Com’on just one, or you’ll make us feel guilty…”

This sounds a lot like the old ‘don’t be a chicken, if you do it you’ll be one of us’ adolescent taunts, doesn’t it?

Now, take all the stresses and difficulties Gen Me experiences and add the constant need to keep up with trends or literally get left behind and you have someone greatly susceptible to adult peer pressure. Top this with the 50 shades craze and the sudden and increasing focus on BDSM, and more recently, the very controversial sex-chocking game, you can ask yourself, how much of this is ‘what I want’ rather than ‘this is what everyone wants so I should want it too”?

And if it’s not a case of catching on a new trend could it be that they thrive on the power play? That these extreme sexual plays and extreme dominance and submission is a means of regaining a feeling of control? (Gen Me has shown higher levels of stress, depression, and feelings of being overwhelmed and feelings of lack to bring about change or to take control)

Smith, B, 2013:

“if a simple connection between humans has been discarded in favour of lunging for the carotid at first flush, squeezing and squeezing, grasping at meaning but finding yourself empty-handed. "

I repeat: If this is the case, I think these people have lost the plot altogether

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